Hei buddy, what's up? Sorry for ignoring you for many longtime. I just lil bit busy and have my own life for this years. It's a rough years for me, but I have someone that spend the years with. I just wanna say that she is special. There is a lot of things that we doing together. But then, at this day, she left me.
It was my fault. But she doesn't know how hard of being me but I survived. After she left me, I just have no one to talk. Unless you, my blog, Miss you sooo much buddy. To talk again, to write down upon you, it was the hobby I ever forget. I'm sorry buddy.
Alright, I wanna tell you the story tonight. The story about love, pantience, learn and grow.
I thought, Love is when you put her neeeds upon yours. No matter how sacrafice you are or anything. I did the wrong things, I need affirmations. Why? I tell you why, because I always forced of being perfect from my parents and my siblings. Perfect is a must for me. I quiet tired of following this game. I just wanna be me, enjoying my entire life with something I love. I did, but it's not that easy.
I have no home to protect my imperfections. To feel safe. To tell me that I am okay with not being perfect. I'm still have to be perfect, but there is something in me that hurt. Yes, my inner child. I put a lot expectations to my partner, but then, everything comes to an end. She decide to not with me again. She said "This is why she (someone before her) left you. Because she won't take a risk to being with a person like you (means I have complicated family)". And you know what buddy? It hurts me.
I just thinking, Am I at that worst? After We are together for one years, after I put all of my needs below hers. Am I that worst?. I'm trying to harmonize everything. I planned to make her get MaRS and mini copeer. I have a lot of plan for her, but then she just saw me at that perspective.
Alright, I know, I know, life so hard, things become messy, I always have no money, but I always take her first even before my family. I did something wrong, I don't bring cash today, and if she knows, it's not that easy. I'm trying to get any debt from my friend, they're refuse. My dad said will paid his debt, but then he just give me IDR 150k. The fuck. Why should I do when everything I'm already trying? What should I do?
It's hard to be me. But in the next, I learn, there's no women that have true love. Buddy, I just wanna say to my self "A man only loved at something that they're provides. There is no unconditionally love. Stop being fucking stupid. Get your ass off. Makes some money. And let it give more noise"
You know, when I loved someone, I just loved them unconditionally. I don't care who they're. where they comes from, I don't care. I'm gonna fight for them. But in the end, they left me. They just want my laugh, but not my tears.
I swear to my self, I'm gonna pay this. All of this. To being precious, to know my value, for anyone with me next.